Legally Autistic
We’re human. We’re made to move through the ups and down of life, the tragedies
and the painful challenges. Being an autistic human makes the world that bit harder
to navigate and sometimes we find ourselves stuck. Stuck in world where we feel we
don’t belong, searching for ways to try and fit in. It’s like being left-handed in a world
that’s made for right-handed people, think using cutlery, scissors, shaking hands,
using a mouse on a computer. All of these things are possible for left-handers, but
adjustments need to be made in order to make it work.
I was 15 when I first realised that something was different. In weekly assemblies I’d
sit on my own at the back, right next to the door as if I were to suddenly throw up, I’d
have an easy escape route. Throwing up was the start of how my anxiety would
manifest itself. It wasn’t just nerves, but an actual, physical response to danger –
except there wasn’t any danger. During the six hours I was at school, I would easily
be throwing up 10 times throughout the day, enough to put you off your
lunch…literally. By some miracle I managed to fly through my exams. I was off to
college.
It took so much energy out of me to get up and go to college. I had few friends but
found it very difficult to make more and struggled a lot with socialising. The throwing
up had eased but never completely stopped. I wound myself up about speaking
aloud in classes, to the point I’d just not turn up. This compounded and resulted in
failing my A Levels, including Law.
After experiencing these symptoms for a while, I was diagnosed with anxiety and
depression and given medication. This helped for a while. I passed year one of a
BTEC in Business Studies with a distinction. I got the top grades and was looking
forward to my second year. The second year approaches begins and I drop out,
having convinced myself that I’ll just fail again, so what’s the point? It’s interesting, in
hindsight, how I focused on the failure, rather than the more recent and very positive
grades.
I was no longer at college and not employed. I didn’t understand the world or how I
could ever move forwards. Just the thought of working made me feel sick again,
despite really wanting, needing, to be ‘normal’. This was the point where I started a
distance-learning degree in Business and Law, really just as something to do.
In an attempt to improve myself, I finally felt confident enough to try counselling. I
tried CBT and hypnotherapy, none of which helped. In the end I found a private
counsellor and haven’t looked back.
Fast forward 2 years and I finally have a job that I love, I’ve graduated with an
honours degree and I was studying towards qualification as a Solicitor. However, the
Solicitors Qualifying Exam was tough. I failed again. I wondered how I can ever be a
solicitor if I couldn’t even pass the exams. Why should I retake when I would just
convince myself that I’d fail again? I had always been academic so why can’t I do
this?
After a short break, I started counselling again and it was suggested that I could be
autistic. It had never crossed my mind. The inability to let go of the past, the
difficulties in friendships and relationships, the discomfort in eye contact and
conversation, the need for routine, the need for perfection, the terrifying fear of
failure and not being good enough, the difficulties with transitions…needless to say, I
was diagnosed in January 2025.
This opened up a new world for me. I’m learning more about myself and now realise
I wasn’t failing because I wasn’t good enough, but because I couldn’t cope with a 5
hour exam and the sheer amount of information I was expected to easily recall. The
structure of the exam wasn’t right for me, and that’s ok. There are different ways,
and you can succeed.
Just because you see the world differently, it doesn’t mean that you’re less of a
person, less capable, or just, less. Since being diagnosed, I feel very strongly about
advocating not just for myself, but for others too.
I am now studying to qualify as a Chartered Legal Executive in Local Government,
and I’m looking forward to a successful career in the legal sector. Being autistic in a
very neurotypical world is not easy, but that most definitely does not mean that it’s
not possible.
